An Empty Nest & Why Grief Is Just Love With No Place To Go

Because the mom of an 18 12 months previous daughter who simply graduated from highschool and is ready for her visa so she will be able to go to Portugal for a niche 12 months, this bit from Brené Brown hits near house.

I empathize with that- the embrace-release cycle. The cycle of holding on tight after which letting go.

It’s what each father or mother dealing with an empty nest faces- the thrill to your little one, the anticipation of their journey into separateness, the passion for what’s subsequent for them. And in addition your individual mourning of watching somebody who has lived with you for 18 years stroll out the door, realizing that it’s going to by no means be the identical as soon as they arrive house for visits, assuming they do come house for visits, which not all youngsters do as soon as they’re grown and have the liberty to depart.

I’m doing a variety of letting go proper now. I’ve been writing about it and remembering the guttural ache of childhood losses as I course of some younger components that get activated when loss is within the room. I’ll share extra quickly, however proper now, I’m simply writing to heal, not fairly able to share. Quickly, although.

On high of the embrace-release with my daughter, her father, who has lived subsequent door and who I’ve seen just about every single day for 20 years despite the truth that we divorced ten years in the past, can also be leaving the nation and embracing digital nomad ex-pat life overseas. And considered one of my finest associates simply left the nation and moved to a distant a part of the globe this weekend.

So…my coronary heart is certainly within the grieving a part of letting go. I used to be crying final evening with my pal who’s leaving, and after he left and I continued crying, my associate Dr. Jeffrey Rediger requested me what grief felt like in my physique. I mentioned it felt like my coronary heart was a uterus- seizing up like a contraction in my coronary heart that left me sort of breathless and in tears, after which releasing and giving me a little bit of a break. I had to make use of my Lamaze respiration to bear the contractions, and similar to labor, after the worst of the contraction, my coronary heart would begin to loosen up once more. I do know from previous grieving, like after I misplaced each my dad and mom method too younger, that over time, the contractions area out extra and more- till you virtually don’t discover them anymore, besides on sure anniversaries or with sure flashes of reminiscence or in particular locations that remind you of what you as soon as had.

One former associate, who broke my coronary heart, as soon as requested me why I didn’t simply flip off the change in my coronary heart when it was time to maneuver on. I advised him I didn’t have that capability, that it sounded sociopathic. Not solely was it not potential for me; I wouldn’t need to have the ability to detach so effortlessly. As a result of attachments are wholesome and regular and constructed into love.

He mentioned he felt sorry for me, that I wasn’t in a position to simply flip off a change as simply as he might. I advised him I don’t suppose somebody actually loves somebody in the event that they don’t have a minimum of some ache in letting go. He thought I used to be bizarre.

All of it makes me consider this Jamie Anderson quote:

“Grief, I’ve realized, is admittedly simply love. It’s all of the love you wish to give, however can not. All that unspent love gathers up within the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hole a part of your chest. Grief is simply love with no place to go.” 

In case you have a variety of love with no place to go proper now, due to an empty nest, break up, relocation, or the rest that pings your attachment system, my coronary heart goes out to you. 

And in the event you occur to be a health care provider, well being care supplier, or therapist going by means of a cycle of letting go, restoration, or different transition, please be part of us stay in Mill Valley, California September 20-22 for Transitions & Transformation, a therapeutic retreat to assist gentling throughout instances of change or loss.

Or come to Malta and “write to heal” with me for the Inner Household Methods & Memoir Writing retreat on the Maltese island of Gozo in November! You don’t must be a well being care supplier or an skilled author or an IFS therapist to attend. Only a need to heal and a willingness to review the fundamentals of IFS earlier than attending is the one prerequisite. Apply to register here.

I do know I’ll be benefiting from the sweetness and area to put in writing in Malta to course of a few of these modifications and losses, so no matter you’re processing might be welcome too.

Whether or not you retreat with me or not, I hope you’ll use your artistic muses to put in writing, make artwork, write music, dance, make a therapeutic altar, or in any other case flip your embrace-release cycle into magnificence, therapeutic, and majesty. 

(((((Air hug))))))

Lissa